Study Grind

This is purely straight out of a state of utter delirium. I don’t have any gracious ways to put it. I cannot believe the patience and attention some people give into their studying. I have been here for about 12+ hours within these past two days. I am literally exhausted. Coffee infused and sleep deprived. Currently sitting here in my little cubicle of a desk in the basement of the library. Or the dungeon, as we call it. Taking a much deserved “study break.” I’d like to think that I am getting my creative juices flowing so I can have a rejuvenated and fresh approach for studying the 500+ (maybe 800+) flashcards that I have read over and over again.  Help me!

I read somewhere the other day, maybe it was on Pinterest, but anyway it was a post on how to become more creative. Oh wait.. I just found it. Here it is!

http://greatist.com/happiness/ways-to-boost-creativity/

Well here is the clip I found quite inspiring, especially in this state of study over-kill.

“Work when you’re tired. Sometimes sleep can help us think of new ideas, but working at our non-optimal time of day can also promote creativity because we’re less inhibited. (Perhaps that’s why some writers wake up at the crack of dawn or stay up ’til the wee hours of the morning.) So morning people could try working at night and night owls could try getting to work early.”

Well I guess it isn’t particularly too early or too late. In fact it’s only about 6 o’clock as I am typing this all out. It is my “creative stream of conscious.” I am freely flowing with my feelings. Frankly, I am quite surprised that my fingers still work and that my eyes aren’t completely shut yet. But before I jinx it I wanted to spit out some inspiration; but only if I can find one in my current incoherent state of mind. Hopefully I get inspired before my computer dies.

Not my best find, but is fitting for the topic.

“If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.”

Make of it what you will. At this point I feel like I will internally be screaming for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days… without my heated cup of coffee. Just kidding; that’s impossible. Ludacris really. I have already had more than one cup of coffee…. I didn’t even have to grind it myself. Plus one for me.

School: +100 (for now)

Tara: +1

Advertisements

A book titled 2014

Its only page 22 of this crazy book

Life isn’t always as scary as it looks

We fall and we cry but we get back up again

We laugh and we smile to feel the tingling of our skin

 

Page 22 it’s too early for mistakes

For men or for life to be taken away

Too early for giving up or saying no

But it’s not too late to say “hello”

 

Forget your fears maybe pretend you don’t care

And soon you’re already half way there

Tell that bitch to take a hike

Don’t give in to the things you dislike

 

Now is your chance to start brand new

Remember it is only page 22

You have 343 more to go to find yourself

And save yourself from your personal hell

 

This is a happy song to renew your soul

A private book for only you to know

Jot down your thoughts

Let your mind speak free

Don’t lift your hand of that paper

Find out what its like to be who you really want to be

 

Page 22 and time is turning

Don’t forget to stop learning

Listen closely and look to see

What’s in store for page 23.

A Powerful Playlist

So my friend’s college fellowship has established a theme for their 2013-2014 academic year. It’s called Personal Spiritual Playlist, which is essentially a “playlist” (or set) of “songs” (or activities) under different “genres” (or spiritual disciplines) that bring 1. joy and 2. me closer to God. 

1. Prayer/ Worship
. Continue finding bible verses that directly affect me per each day. For instance when I am feeling alone and scared I pick up my bible and read Psalm 23. I write down a few words that remind me that God is always there for me and then I continue to write a small prayer thanking him for his guidance and asking for his forgiveness and help for the upcoming day. I have never done this before, but this past week and a half have seemed much more lovely with God by my side.


2. Service
. Similar to my friend’s service I plan to fast for one day a month. For me it is to act less selfish in life and prove my will power to be a strong believer of God. I am choosing to do this on the 13th of every month, as it has an important meaning in my life and I need God to always be with me on that day to give me strength and hope.

3. Obedience. 
I plan on keeping my friends on track with our weekly routine of going to church. I vow to be a strong believer and behave like a Christian rather than just saying that I am one.

4. Rejuvenation
. I recently have been cleared by my doctor to run. I find that running is typically one of my best stress reducers. I will encourage myself to “run it out” when I feel that I can’t handle the pressure of the world. Like my friend I too enjoy writing, whether it be for this blog or anything else really.

5. Fun
. I think this may be my hardest challenge on this playlist. I wish there was a secret recipe for fun, but because there isn’t I am deciding to make one. I’ll keep you updated when it starts looking like it is complete. Wish me luck!

6. Belief. When I find my self in times of trouble I need to remember to hold my wrist. Feel God’s presence there on that cross and remind myself that I am never alone and I can make it through whatever situation that comes my way. Believe in Him and believe in myself.

7. Heaven. I promise to be the best angel I can be. I promise to listen to and help my friends and family, be there for them through thick and thin. I hope I can go above and beyond and constantly remind them how much they mean to me.

Perfection

Image

Polished nails. Professionally blown out hair. Tanned skin. Toned Stomach. Proper posture. Intelligent. Sophisticated. Poised. Respected. Ambitious.

 We strive to personify our own perspective of perfection. We can’t deny it. I do it all the time. As much as I hate to admit I care what other people think. It is a form of security to get validation from our peers. A gold star in other words. Am I living for myself or are my friends puppeteers gradually stringing me on from one impossible task to another?  My precious alone time is the single ounce of freedom I get hiding from this discombobulated world.  It is the one place I am not looking for the ever so lovely gold star. Without the intruding thoughts of others and that is when I am content. Alone. I suppose that seems rather depressing.  I absolutely hated the idea of being lonely. I have recently discovered that being alone has a small relation to being lonely. In fact I feel more content and secure. I am not obsessing over the small things that dictate my life. When I am alone it as if everything is possible even the ability to change some of the things I can’t control. I am absorbing the solitude and letting go of the expectations.

As soon as I unravel from my cocoon of self-worth, I step out into the intimidating universe before me. I enter this judgmental door to the outsiders. I let in all the criticism, pessimism, and nihilism that society holds us with. How silly and presumptuous are we to have the audacity to even try to label this world and their assumptions and societal views of perfection. We can’t be perfect at everything. We have to remember to share ourselves with the actions and fill ourselves with the thoughts that better suit us and not anyone else. We can try to want to love running or rigorously working out till our bodies ache, but do we really love running or the idea of it. We should no longer pretend to be something we are not. It can’t be healthy to pretend in front of ourselves. We have the ability to love whatever we want and we are capable of making our own decisions and following our own plans for living the way we ought to.

If you are a believer of Christ I have a word of advice that I was blessed with hearing the other day. If we are followers of societal nature what is holding us back from following the Lord’s plans for our future? We may not seem perfect in the eyes of our peers or even our own eyes; but the truth is we are perfect in God’s eyes and that is always enough. 

Silence

Silence can mean a lot of things. In its most obvious form silence is the absence of noise, stillness, and tranquility. Silence can be a scream for help. Silence can be a source of greatness. Silence can be comfortable and yet it can be tragic too. Whatever definition or meaning you attach it with is perfectly suitable. But silence is expressed; it is loud.

Tranquility and stillness. Seems pretty quiet. When your whole body is silent, what are you filled with? Numbness. One of your worst fears, not being able to feel anything at all. . It’s dangerous being alone with your thoughts, but being lonely and thoughtless is just as detrimental. Experiencing silence within oneself must be quite the challenge. I have never experienced it without the numbness that simultaneously takes over my mind, soul, and body.

Silent screams are terrifying. Can you help someone who isn’t asking for help? Be aware. Be conscious. Be observant. You could save a life.

Knowing when to keep your mouth shut is such a talent. It shows strength. It is a non-aggressive way of addressing a situation with power and opportunity to be “heard.”Image

Can you sit with someone for hours and hours without exchanging words? I consider these moments to be the most peaceful and fulfilling joys of my life.  A friend once said to me, “You know I like hanging out with you because we can talk about anything but at the same time we can enjoy each others’ silence.” I shared that agreement with him. It’s been a while since I’ve met anyone else I can do this with. It is a safe and comfortable feeling that takes a special someone to be shared with.

While this friendly silence is healthy, silence between friends can come in the form of betrayal in certain circumstances. Martin Luther King Jr. states the hard truth. “The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people but the silence over that by the good people.

Silence. It is neither good nor bad. It just is. And it is up to us to do what we please with it. Healthy or not. Silence is loud. It is very loud. 

What To Do, What To Do.

I will be returning to Texas in a few days and I have decided that right now is a perfect time to set goals (or just things I would like  to do) for the upcoming semester. So here it is. I gave it a shot. Let me know if you have any other suggestions. I would love to add to my list.

1. Find a decent hike in Fort Worth. Coming from California where there are beautiful mountain hikes and beach walks I am determined to find a hike that is just as rigorous as a mountain climb or just as peaceful as a sandy sunset stroll. Considering that Texas is flatter than flat, I will see what I can find. l will keep you posted.

Image

2. Attain a few vintage items. As I am currently obsessing over the regular vintage items (polaroid camera, record player, typewriter) I am curious what I can find in a little poe-dunk store with some hidden gems. Sorry Urban Outfitters I don’t think I can afford your modernized vintage items, although I do admire them from afar. I quite enjoy some throwback music, mostly the Beatles, but maybe I’ll find a few new favorites. I also would love to master the perfect pinup due or long luscious wavy hairstyle. If you want to see what I am talking about check out my new board on Pinterest.

3. Search for the perfect book store. So far out of all the book stores I have been in I have only one favorite. That would be the underground book store at the ever so lovely University of Chicago. If you happen to find yourself in the beautifully aged university I would recommend trying to find that secret passage before they close it down. Meanwhile, I think it will be an interesting mission to find my own secret place.

4. Find a new favorite book. Going along with the above topic, it is about time I start referring to my favorite book as something other than the Sarah Dessen books I read religiously. I mean I still enjoy a good read, but I am looking for a novel that is just as intoxicating yet a little more sophisticated, if you know what I mean. Any good suggestions?

Image

5. Get a music education. I currently have about 100 songs in my iTunes. Pretty pathetic, huh? I am hoping someone will sacrifice some time to give me a musication. I also have a habit of playing the same 10 songs over and over again. Someone please help me.

6. Write a song. Well, I can barely play the piano and I definitely cannot sing. Although, I do make my friends suffer with my frequent singing off tune, with incorrect lyrics, and always being a half second off with every word. Anyway, I have written a few songs, well poems really, but I am hoping to add some melodies and connect the dots. I have a friend who is willing to help write and musically accompany me. Let’s see if she will let me sing the duet with her.

7. Go to the drive-in theater. A new addition to Fort Worth that I haven’t been able to try. And I fully intend on finding a good movie to tempt me into the drive-in movie, preferably with a date, but I will take what I can get.

Image

8. Attend a concert. I used to hate country music with every bone of my body. I thought it was the most awful thing and I refused to listen to it. But I found myself in Texas, and let me tell you country music is absolutely unavoidable. And I will tell you another thing, if you ever find yourself in Texas for quite some time you will learn to love country music and you may even buy cowboy boots. I did and I do not regret it. So with Billy Bob’s down the street I will make a bigger effort to get my booty there and do some two-stepping, country music concert listening. And with Austin only a few hours away there are a few concerts of plenty different genres that I would love to see.

9. Dress up. I should go at least a couple days a week in regular human clothes. Dress for success will have to be my new motto and motivator for some cute and stylish days. I probably will fall into the trap of oversized sorority shirts and heinous shorts in addition to some brightly colored nikes strapped on to our feet. I will tell you that I bought a pair of low key white and grey cheetah nikes and yes I will absolutely wear them at school. Sue me.

10. Get a job. I realize all these activities require a sufficient amount of money, one my bank account cannot fully support. Unfortunately, work is not my thing. I guess it will be an interesting journey trying to find a job that I will love, or at least tolerate.

For Lack of a better word, we call it ignorance.

I find that as we grow older the word ignorance shifts from innocence to obliviousness. As children we see the world with wide eyes and unscratched hearts. I think of myself as a small little girl who still responds to the name teetles. I imagine my small little eyes squished by my freckled cheeks that threatened to reveal my snaggle-toothed smile.  I remember brushing my blonde bangs out of my eyes and shading my them with the most stylish of pink shades. I remember my favorite light up Velcro shoes. I remember innocence. I remember bliss. I knew I didn’t know anything about everything and I was content with that. I was curious to learn, but not ashamed of what I didn’t know. Ignorance wasn’t something to be embarrassed of or frowned down upon it was just a matter of fact. I was young enough to not show fear in my bright blue eyes. I was young enough not to twirl my blonde locks between my thumb and middle finger with anxiety and sweaty palms. I was young enough to get away with not knowing who I wanted to be or what I was or wasn’t capable of being. But that blissful ignorance starts to fade with age. The more we know the more we understand. Life isn’t all that easy. We can feel pain and terror, but we also can feel loved and protected. We have a deeper understanding, but its not to say that we are not ignorant anymore. And as we grow the definition of ignorance changes. As adorable as it is to be a naïve child, it isn’t so easy to have that same definition pinned to you as an adult. I am no longer blissed by innocence and ignorance, but I was forced to face it. I turn 20 in a week and the milestone marks my last chance of innocence and youth (well, it feels that way to me). I am at the point in life where it is time to pick my major and follow through on it. And if I don’t I am afraid of being seen as oblivious and immature. With that I would much rather choose to believe that I am savoring my innocence and appreciating my ignorance. I have so much to learn and I am grateful that I have the opportunity to learn it. So why must we be looked down on if we don’t know everything. Where learning was once encouraged, it’s bogged down by the competition to know everything. We don’t know everything and we never will. And it’s okay to know a little about everything or even everything about a little thing. But we will never fully understand life and we must learn to be okay with that. We can still see the light of ignorance without its progressed connotation as we grow. Let us grow upwards toward the light with confidence and naivety. Let’s be okay with still being that little kid who looked up at the sky and asked “Daddy, why is the sky blue?” We must let our curious minds wander unhindered by unrealistic expectations and standards we perceive are set for ourselves. Growing up is inevitable, but learning is a choice.