Forgive me for my 2am thoughts…

Today I sat down to write a piece on “letting go.” I started by realizing my expectations are unrealistic. Expectation is the root of all heartache.

And by that I mean that I fantasize the past and as other people grow out of phases I realize I am still stuck in one. And I can’t let go of the past. I still expect the love and attention from people that have come and gone in my life. And I tell myself to lower my expectations, but the memory kills any chance I have at that. So as I sat down and grabbed my laptop I found myself struggling with major writer’s block. I couldn’t even form complete thoughts in my head. My brain was scattered, trying to remember all the good times and bad times from every “phase” of my life. I held on to that past forever, and I still do. And I realize that can’t be healthy. I can’t live in the past. I can’t blame who I am on who I used to be. And that didn’t sink in until this evening.

I sat down by the fireplace with two of my best friends as we casually chatted about life. Heart to hearts were inevitable, as most girls know. Well, as I started talking about all of the important or life changing people in my life, I realized I hold on to all the baggage. As much time as I spend reminiscing about the good times, I also carry a heavy burden in my heart that holds on to all the not so good times. And I couldn’t be snapped back into reality. My friend literally said, “Tara, you need to get over it. Let it go. Let all of that go and move on.” Surprisingly, that hit hard. I have never had anyone tell me that before and it was like a slap in the face (in a good way, of course). I noticed that as my friends sat at that cozy fireplace they both talked about the present and the future and all I had was the past. I am so afraid of letting go of my past that I can’t even face the present. I am in love with the idea of things going back to the way it used to be and I won’t let go of the idea or the expectations. I am stuck in the past and find myself struggling to escape this nostalgia and euphoric vision of my past. It is time for me to let go of the pain that stabs me in the heart continuously, threatening to destroy realistic relationships.

As I write this at 2am, I am grateful that my friend was real with me. I am now aware that not only do I constantly think about the past, but I let it dictate the future. I am reluctant to believe that tomorrow is a clean slate. So thank you friend, for the deep talks and the harsh love. I appreciate you showing me the reality of life. I need you.

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