Forgive me for my 2am thoughts…

Today I sat down to write a piece on “letting go.” I started by realizing my expectations are unrealistic. Expectation is the root of all heartache.

And by that I mean that I fantasize the past and as other people grow out of phases I realize I am still stuck in one. And I can’t let go of the past. I still expect the love and attention from people that have come and gone in my life. And I tell myself to lower my expectations, but the memory kills any chance I have at that. So as I sat down and grabbed my laptop I found myself struggling with major writer’s block. I couldn’t even form complete thoughts in my head. My brain was scattered, trying to remember all the good times and bad times from every “phase” of my life. I held on to that past forever, and I still do. And I realize that can’t be healthy. I can’t live in the past. I can’t blame who I am on who I used to be. And that didn’t sink in until this evening.

I sat down by the fireplace with two of my best friends as we casually chatted about life. Heart to hearts were inevitable, as most girls know. Well, as I started talking about all of the important or life changing people in my life, I realized I hold on to all the baggage. As much time as I spend reminiscing about the good times, I also carry a heavy burden in my heart that holds on to all the not so good times. And I couldn’t be snapped back into reality. My friend literally said, “Tara, you need to get over it. Let it go. Let all of that go and move on.” Surprisingly, that hit hard. I have never had anyone tell me that before and it was like a slap in the face (in a good way, of course). I noticed that as my friends sat at that cozy fireplace they both talked about the present and the future and all I had was the past. I am so afraid of letting go of my past that I can’t even face the present. I am in love with the idea of things going back to the way it used to be and I won’t let go of the idea or the expectations. I am stuck in the past and find myself struggling to escape this nostalgia and euphoric vision of my past. It is time for me to let go of the pain that stabs me in the heart continuously, threatening to destroy realistic relationships.

As I write this at 2am, I am grateful that my friend was real with me. I am now aware that not only do I constantly think about the past, but I let it dictate the future. I am reluctant to believe that tomorrow is a clean slate. So thank you friend, for the deep talks and the harsh love. I appreciate you showing me the reality of life. I need you.

My Kisses

I wanna kiss you like the sun kisses the ocean

Every evening filling the sky with magic

I wanna kiss you like the ocean kisses the shore

Over and over again without getting bored

I wanna kiss you like a moon kisses the night sky

Lighting up our love in the darkness

I wanna kiss you like wind in the air

Feel breathless when you are here

And I wanna kiss you and tell you, you’re mine

And I want you to hold me and tell me its fine 

#blessed

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My happy place. My jetty.

As The Little English Girl reminds us how technology continuously distracts us from the life we ought to be living, I am truly inspired to experience life without the constant nagging of my beeping iPhone. I fall into the trap of FOMO countless times during the day. I feel bad about myself for not being invited and constantly intruding and invading the things in life that the older generation would consider “personal.” Why must we share every detail of our day? I don’t have enough reasons to qualify why it could really be that important. I am blinded by the constant adoration of sunsets I missed and jealousy of activities my friends get to do without me. Instead of going out to my favorite place on that sweet little jetty I sit on, feeling the cool wind in my hair and the saltwater mist splashing on my face, I spend that free time opening every possible social media outlet and torture myself into overthinking. So thankfully my eyes are opening, without the glare of my iPhone staring back at me, and showing me how truly blessed I am. As a common trend in social media #blessed is a constant reminder. For me it reminds me of how grateful I am to have a loving family. A family I can count on at any and all times of the day. A family that will laugh at my awful jokes and pretend to laugh at the constant Tumblr text posts I find hilarious. A family who seeks out ways to comfort me in times of doubt. A family who brings me peace when my world cannot. And a family who consistently brings me closer to God and shares my faith with me. I am also extremely thankful for my crazy friends. My friends who tolerate hearing my stories even if they’ve already heard it a hundred times.  My friends who patiently wait for me to stutter out the words my mind thinks but my voice can’t quite express. My friends who will stick with me through my highs and lows. My friends who trust me and my friends who I trust back. I am so blessed by the beautiful places I live in that I constantly take for granted. I remember how I used to say I’d never miss a sunset that I had time to see. Living right on the sea I sometimes convince myself that I don’t need to go sit on that jetty alone and watch the sunset, that I have done it enough times. However, during this beautiful winter season of sunsets I am reminded that each time I watch a sunset a small hole in my heart is refilled with peace and happiness. It is not an effort to go see these sunsets, but a blessing. We are not guaranteed a supportive family, we are blessed with one. We are not given life long friends, they are a blessing to us. So I thank God for the constant blessings in my life that I get to experience daily. I have not thanked Him enough and I am forever grateful for His blessings. 

Curly Hair

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My actual hair. I told you!

If you thought I was a psycho for letting my outfit determine my attitude, then you were sorely mistaken. My hair has the ultimate power to dictate how I feel. This might not make sense to the readers who have naturally straight hair. Yes, I envy you, not just because it is a simple style that takes little effort, but because it is predictable.  You will wake up in the morning and brush your hair and move on. That is not the case with curly hair. Most mornings I wake up with an afro and ruthless tangles, no not tangles, knots

This hair do typically means I will need to jump in the shower and leave the house with wet hair, unless I have a couple hours to spare. Some days I wake up to see a beach bum staring back at me in the mirror. Waking up with this do in California is a great start to my day. Meanwhile, in Texas… not so much. My hair doesn’t typically dry into pageant hair, sorry TCU.  These beachy waves don’t quite make the cut in the humid Texan air.

A Texas morning goes something like this:

8:00am- Wake Up Call

8:30am- Dare to Look at Myself in the Mirror

8:32am- Cry

8:33am- Construct a Game Plan

8:40am- Execute Plan

10:30am- Hair is Ready to go

Can you see how hair dictates my mood and attitude for generally the rest of the day? Waking up on a good hair day means a smooth sailing day and I feel like I am ready to conquer the world.  I don’t need to explain my loose temper on the bad hair days. Here are a couple of tips for those followers who also struggle with this daily battle.

Curly Hair Basics

  1. DO NOT BRUSH DRY CURLY HAIR.
  2. You’re hair looks longer when it is straight.
  3. Straightening your hair won’t make it grow longer.
  4. Avoid dying your hair brown (if blonde, or vice versa).  Image
  5. Be careful when falling asleep with wet hair.
  6. It takes a good hour to straighten your hair without bumps or kinks, don’t take the short cut. It looks unpolished and juvenile.
  7. Learn how to fix your curls with a curling iron. It is an easy touch up.
  8. Embrace those curls, girl. They suit you.
  9. Don’t envy those silky locks too much. Remember that texture hair couldn’t even hold a curl even if it tried.
  10.  Sometimes a ponytail or a bun is the only way to get through the day.

Permanent Ink

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my wrist tattoo

For a girl who is afraid of commitment the word permanent should make me cringe. Oddly, this is not the case when the word permanent is paired with the word ink. It would be silly not to relate permanent ink to the most obvious art: tattoos. Yes, I am currently in constant adoration of my new little tattoo. A small little cross gives me so much strength. For me, resting my thumb on my wrist and rubbing the still inflamed flesh I am reminded of who I am and who I want to be. After a confusing couple of months, or years I suppose, I am finding myself developing into the person I would like to become, separating myself from the person I was, and accepting myself as I am right now. I am not perfect, in fact I am nowhere close to perfect, but the good thing about that is the way we live doesn’t have to be permanent. If we don’t like the way things are going in life, we have the power and ability to change it. Here is the catch though; the permanent ink I was referring to isn’t a tattoo. This kind of permanent ink is a little scarier and a little more fragile. It is words. Words are permanent. They are powerful and potent. We must use the important ones more sparingly. Use the encouraging words more frequently. Use the enchanting ones more elegantly.  Use the heartbreaking words more carefully.  We must learn to keep the damaging words to ourselves and remind each other that we often forgive, but we rarely forget. We can’t change what we said; once they leave our lips they are permanent. These words are the tattoos in our hearts.

Fitness Friday

TGIF, am I right?

As the week dwindles down and excitement for the weekend builds up, our minds and bodies decide to take a little break. And hey, you know that is okay. We deserve that down time. We deserve that extra bite of chocolate cake. Right? Well thats exactly what I thought last night as I binged on chocolates and candies and fell asleep on my best friends couch at about 9pm. Pretty pathetic right. But now I realize that little “break” starts off the weekend on an unhealthy note. I woke up this morning feeling pretty unmotivated. With that I knew exactly where to go. I was in serious need of some fitspo, fitness inspiration. Tumblr, Pinterest, and Instagram have wonderful fitspo tags that will help you gain some motivation to hit the gym. Not to mention New Years resolutions are coming up and if you are going to make the same New Years resolution as the one you made last year, you may want to get a head start. Start your fitness plan, stay healthy during the holidays, and you get to show off your rocking bod on New Years.

Well, I am am off to Pilates. Wish me luck and happy friday, y’all. Kick some butt!

The United States of Tara as told by her wardrobe

Here is the scoop, (I am turning into my mother) I recently found out that I am in the process of discovering and creating my identity. It is really quite enthralling, but I have a slight dilemma. Here it is. I like to match my personality accordingly with my outfits. It really isn’t as silly as you think. I will give you a few common examples.

Dress for Success: We all know that we feel our best when we look our best. Dress for Success is applicable in quite a few situations really. Test days. Interviews. Dates. Parties. Presentations. You name it. We look good. We feel good. We do good.

IDGAF: This look was most common in the latter years of highs school. Freshmen and sophomores were often teased for dressing well. Pretty twisted I think know looking back on it. But this left the trend of upper classmen dressing like hobos. IDGAF. Excuse my language, but if you dress like shit odds are you will feel like shit.

So these are my two generic examples of how outfits can dictate our personalities or at least current attitudes. Which brings me back to my original problem. I have quite the identity crisis. Here are the classifications of my current style.

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image found on tumblr.

Black is the New Black: Pretty much every girl I know owns significantly more items of clothing in black then in any other color. I will not lie I went through an all black phase. It wasn’t emo, it was actually pretty classy… which is why I now own over 10 LBDs. If you are ever in need to borrow, I have plenty to lend out. Black will never go out of style so I am not ready to purge these not so bright articles of clothing. Generally black will always be present in any outfit of mine.

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image found on tumblr.

I Actually Like This. I Am Not Trying To Be Hipster: High waisted shorts may not be the most flattering look, but they are so darn cute. I am a huge advocate of “if you’ve got it flaunt it.” This hipster look calls for more flat chested and size zero models that typically reside on the California coast. Unfortunately, I don’t fit those requirements, but I love the clothes too much to care if I fit the stereotypical hipster look. This, however, comes with a warning. Texans are less approving of this look. I find it works better for me in the land that I call home. Sweet Sweet California.

This is Trendy But Will I Ever Wear It: This is my biggest fashion crime. I have fallen into the trendy trap. Magazines are slowly deteriorating my brain cells and making me fall madly in love (for about two seconds) with various articles of clothing. In fact my closet is almost filled with clothing reflecting the ever changing trends of 2009 to 2013. I cannot pinpoint one item. But I know that there are at least three items from every year that I have purchased, hung in my closet, and never looked at it ever again.

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image found on pinterest.

Strat Prep: Of course I am in a sorority. When you go to TCU it is nearly mandatory. I am obsessed with the image I have of myself being in my early thirties rocking a chic Kate Spade look with elegance and class, and of course pearls. What kind of prep doesn’t wear pearls? Me. I took more of the sporty sorority prep style. Vinyard Vines. Long shirts, ugly shorts, nike shoes, and a monogrammed heart. Believe it or not, I still do not own monogram anything….yet.

I Don’t Actually Run: This look could be quite similar to the uniformed sorority look. The difference is this look can follow me back into my beautiful hometown. That is where it gets dangerous. I have to keep in mind that back in California a cute work out outfit does not consist of oversized shirts and norts. If you are going to pretend you go to the gym don’t forget to slide on your lulus and tank.

Miscellaneous: Last but not least, my closet is filled with single items that don’t quite fit into any outfits. It is usually that shirt that I try on with every pair of pants, shorts, or skirts I own and it still doesn’t quite go with any. It is that black mini skirt that I insisted on buying because I knew it would match everything, but it doesn’t fit right with anything. It is the chiffon blouse that I used to wear all the time, that doesn’t have the spunk it used to have a couple months ago. These clothes sit in my closet begging me to wear them and I feel sorry for them, but I just cant.

So do you see my dilemma here? I have about three main styles that I dress accordingly to, but I don’t know which one I find myself in more. I suppose my identity allows for more than one sense of style, but my mind wants the perfect match. I wear who I am.

Catch Phrases

I figured I would warn my readers about the language I intend to share with you. I often use abbreviations or slang that you may not understand, hence this page where you can refer to. Before I get any deeper into this blog I would like to share my ever growing list of Catch Phrases. 

 

Here is the scoop: This term is coined by my lovely mother who frequently starts announcing the game plan with this introduction.

LBD: Little Black Dress. If you don’t know what that is… I probably don’t know who you are. This comes with a warning sign. LDB is not to be confused with My Black Dress (see below).

My Black Dress: Along with the ten other LBDs that I own, this one is my absolute favorite. And I am going to share my deepest darkest secret with you. It is from Target. Yes I own a $15 quarter-sleeve, cotton black dress and I love it. I have also had it for 6 years. This however, will no longer be considered one of the black dresses on the allowed to borrow list. Tough luck.

TCU: Texas Christian University. My beautiful and enchanting school. Yellow brick buildings and frog fountain being its main beauty. Yeah, TCU definitely has its quirks, but it is by far the best school in the world. For future reference, our mascot is a horned frog. Beat that!

Tumblr: My online diary. So what? Barely any of the posts are mine, but they all resemble me. If you see me on my computer or phone and zoning out the world, chances are I am on that Tumblr grind.

SGP: My roommate last year created the best Pandora station we refer to as Slutty Girl Playlist or SGP for short. This playlist consists of our favorite pump up party jams starring hits from 2009. Our favorite certainly being Ignition Remix by none other than R. Kelly. This song is the theme song of SGP.

Smacking: The noise made when lips are being smacked together. The most common times this excruciatingly painful sound is heard are the following: after eating, movie make out scenes, chewing gum, eating cereal with your mouth open, and of course the natural bodily function of breathing. This sound is my biggest pet peeve. Just talking about it is like nails on a chalkboard. This is a warning to all readers that if you are ever with me and you make even the slightest smacking sound I have given myself permission to evacuate the premise. Buh-Bye.

Toe Nos: Ah a favorite term coined by me. As practically an infant, I discovered this to be an affective way to get my sock removed and put on in a different position. To this day I will take off my shoe and fix my sock if that little white line is hitting my pinky toe wrong or sliding too far down the inside of my big toe. Toe Nos have the ability to make or break my day.

My Knee: Long story short I have had three knee surgeries in the past four years. Needless to say, my knee is in pretty bad shape. For future posts, if I ever complain about how I can’t do anything because of my knee… now you know why.

DOB: Dylan O’brien. He is quite frequently the subject of obsession in my life. I can proudly say that my friends share this obsession as well. If you want to fall in love with him I would recommend watching The First Time. Following that you will watch multiple interviews only to find that he also stars in MTV’s Teen Wolf. You will fall deeper in love with him there.

California Burrito: I can’t tell you what is in it. But it is magic. And the only way to know what I am talking about is for you to come down to Southern California and get yourself a Cali B. You will not regret this. If you are looking for a Mexican-Hole-In-The-Wall Restaurant to find your favorite burrito, I can suggest a few: Karina’s, Rico’s, Cotixan, Jorge’s, Quanita’s, Roberto’s, and basically any thing that looks sketchy.

Dank: No, this is not a term used to refer to marijuana. But rather dank is a word that was often brought up in high school to refer to something being “good” or “hot.” For example: “California burritos are soo dank.” Or “That chick is a dank bid.” If you still don’t understand this, just move on.

The boys: This term is often used to refer to the group of boys I often hang out with. This term stays the same as the group of boys change. Referring to the boys while in California is different than referring to the boys at TCU.

Club Lib: Yes, the TCU Library. Where I don’t spend enough time in and when I do it is usually when walking through the quiet section with the zippers of my boots jingling and avoiding death stares. Enter with caution.

Janky: When something does not work properly or if something doesn’t look right. It makes sense in context, but I often find Texans don’t use this terminology.

To Make Things Not So Ugly

A lot of things in life can be seen as ugly, my new blog being one of them. However, ugliness is not the way something looks, but rather they way we see it. If not for our peers, parents, or partners we would never know what ugly is. They way we perceive ugliness is based on how others near us perceive it. We are not conditioned to think that something specific is ugly, we are taught it from the people in our everyday lives. Our thoughts become less of our own and we become less aware of them. The good news is that because I just said this, you are now totally aware. Fortunately, we can rewire our brains anyway we would like to. We can train our brains to see beauty in the most hideous things. We can feel blessed in the darkest times. And we can think as independently as we wish. And with this knowledge I hope that you can challenge yourself to break from the pack. Remember that little stuffed animal that you loved back when you were seven. Yeah, the one you stuffed away under your bed because your friend said it was ugly. Well it is time to take that stuff animal out from under the bed and face your monstrous fears. You do not have to conform to the thoughts of others around you, even if your attire does. You do not have to give up your dreams, because you have seen someone else fail. You do not have to hide who you are, because you know that different is not always accepted. Find your own beauty and never blame anything on ugliness, because I know somewhere in it you will find beauty.